A Perfect 10 by Heather Land

Author:Heather Land
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Howard Books
Published: 2020-10-06T00:00:00+00:00

You gotta hand it to that funeral home—they are using technology the way God intended it—“Recue the perishing, care for the dying, click here to send flowers.” All in one fell swoop.

I admit, as I have aged, I have become a little more paranoid about my aging health. “Welcome to forty, I hope you like ibuprofen” was a birthday card I got from a cousin a few years ago when I went flying over that hill. He ain’t lying. One of my favorite games to play is “Is my headache from too much caffeine, my headband, lack of vegetables, dehydration, or a brain aneurysm?” Probably the last. Most definitely.

Coco Chanel once said, “Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. It is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.” Well, if that is the case, I am not sure who is to blame for this face I have right now at forty-three. The ex? My teenage children? Or the stupid people at Walmart?

No, Coco, if I am lucky, science will allow me to drag this forty-three-year-old face into the spa and walk out looking twenty-nine over and over again. Look, I have never loved someone as much as I love my esthetician. She is my soul mate, who will never let me look as old as I feel. She comes at me with those needles, and I can’t say no. If my kids have to starve, so be it. Take all my money, and take all my wrinkles with it.

Look, I don’t know how it happens. One day, you are twenty-five, staying up until three A.M., eating pizza and watching movies. The next day, you are forty-three, eating kale, and you pull a muscle in your back putting on your socks. At what age do I start storing my leftovers in Country Crock butter tubs? When do I start licking my fingers to turn the pages in a book? I feel like that is a pretty significant aging marker. And fellas, I feel like life should change a little for you when you hit your forties, too. It’s time to leave them young girls alone and get you a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.

If I am up late and an infomercial is on, get my credit card. I am ordering all the natural remedies that QVC has to sell. I am watching all the natural skin-care infomercials that Christie Brinkley endorses. Whatever is good enough for the Uptown Girl is good enough for me. I will make all the concoctions with ingredients from my kitchen that supposedly help you age gracefully. And if you rub three drops of olive oil and Epsom salts on a painful spot on your body, it will immediately feel greasier and saltier. Works every time. Doesn’t make me feel any younger but definitely makes a great salt scrub in the bath.

Being over forty doesn’t seem as bad as it used to. Life isn’t over. Look at Ellen. Look at Sofía Vergara.

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